wow.
Who's in the mood to read something really personal? I hope someone out there is...because this, my friends, is about as gut level as I can get at this point in my life...and strangely, it feels good.
Lots of stuff going on...some good...some not so good. I'm trying to focus on the positive, and as Sunday reminds me, "Put on the Armor of God".
Sometimes, things just get really overwhelming. I have a lot on my mind. I have been through a lot the past year, and often, that will catch up to you if you don't deal with the emotions.
I am the type of person that can sit here and blog about my emotions all day long...but when it comes time to talk about my emotions outloud, that is where it gets difficut for me.
I'm not sure where that comes from? I am happy to knwo that I have a lot of peope around me that support me, love me, and are very real about what I need.
What me to get gut level honest? Okay, I think that would be the right thing to do, especially if someone is reading this and might be going through the same thing.
So, here we go.
I started feeling really strange, unlike myself, about a year ago. I was experiencing some crazy anxiety...basically, ultra paranoid that something bad was going to happen. It was really strange. Then, it didn't go away, so I just kind of wrote it off to "motherhood" and all that goes along with it.
But then, a few more symptoms came. They were kind of strange, like, not wanting to make a left hand turn....how strange is that? Or, if i was on my way home, and had to sit on a bridge in my car, i would freak out, out of fear of the bridge collapsing. It was such a strange, uncomfortable and horrible feeling. But how do y ou explain that to someone without them thinking you are losing it? So, although many of my friends knew about my fears, I always joked about them and played them down. Know what I mean?
So, this was going on for a while....and then I noticed a major change in myself. A lack of happiness...which is VERY odd for me.
Finally, I came to a breaking point and decided to go and see my doctor, and i was shocked to hear that he thought I was depressed.
Depressed? Me? NO WAY! I was not, in my mind, what i thought people that were depressed were like. I was not crying all the time or anything like that. It was more of a shut down, but super anxious at the same time. Kinda lost my ability to want to socialize with people. SO NOT LIKE ME.
So how in the heck could this be depression?
What i was told is that often, diabetics like myself, run into to this. Perhaps because it is so easy for our bodies to get "off" in there chemical make up...and they believe that my brain is not making enought serotonin...which can cause you to be depressed and have what they call a "GAD" or otherwise known as a General Anxiety Disorder.
It is really difficult to blog about this....as much as I don't want to, it helps me, and hopefully will help someone else out there. It's embarrassing, it's uncomfortable, but you know what? I feel convicted to talk about this....so I know to be obedient and realize that the Lord has a purpose in my honesty with all of you.
So, I have been put on a medication...which was VERY hard for me to accept. At the same time, I was excited about it...because I knew that it was going to make me better.
I called my mom, in tears, about going on the medication. I was like, "But my faith is so strong and I feel like God can take care of this.
And then, she said something really powerful. She said, wendi, this is a disease, just like your diabetes. So, why don't you just take off your insulin pump too?
Wow.
Very powerful. Exactly what I needed to hear....because it was at that moment that I knew I needed to take this medicine. People depend on me...my husband, my son, my family...my (amazing) friends. So, they have all kinda huddled around me and assured me we are all going to get through this together.
I never thought this would happen to me. I have always been an upbeat, positive person. I never, in a million years, would have guessed all this axiety and other symptoms were realated to depression. I just thought i was stressed out...over working myself....over worrying...but the thing is, apparently, the "left hand turn" and "fear of bridges" is a tale tale sign of depression and anxiety...of which often come hand in hand.
Who would have thought? Certainly NOT me.
So, there it is...all laid out on the table. I feel better after blogging about it...because it means no more hiding...and perhaps, a level of understanding about who I am...and where I am going. My future is so bright....and I know that I have to bounce back...which I have....and move forward knowing that my God is taking care of me...leading me to decisions that I have to make...and knowing in my gut what the right one is to ensure I am healthy emotionally and physically.
Has it been tough?
You bet. The most difficult thing I have ever been through...ever.
So if you are reading this, and you have been feeling similar to what I was, I hope that you will know that the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT always a train...there is hope.
Wow. How about that? Pretty gut level, huh? But isn't that what it's about sometimes? Sharing, being 100% real, and not hiding out of fear that you will be judged?
I'm okay with it...even if I am judged by some...because you know what? I am so proud, that after many months of going through this, that I actually sought out information and a true understanding of what I am going though.
Can I tell you that if you made it this far (lol) how much I really appreciate it? I will get through this, how can I lose with God on my side.
I can't.
And for that, I am thankful today.
xoxox
wendi speciale
